oi...an hour to go...my hands are shaking..

and i keep having little heart palpitations that I cant put a stop to and its getting REALLY annoying now..

*sigh* ...Not even my music is helping to calm me down much...and I really REALLY need to learn to stop pushing buttons in winamp...I messed with the equilizer again and now it sounds worse than it ever did...

You know..it never really occured to me to think about what i'd do if my boss said that i CANT have 4 days off in the middle of May...and then 3 more at the beginning of June....after only being back from a 6 week absence for a few weeks..


I need to save some money...so i can bribe my workmates to cover it for me...

note to self: be extra nice to chris when you get back..and do WHATEVER he wants until May and June..

if i do him a ton of favors..and give him an extra $50 for each trip then maybe he'll do it..

Im going to Acen without a doubt...But if I cant suck up fast enough when i go back to work..i may not be ABLE to go to the doll party in June...shit...

I hate these memes with a passion. every time i see one on my friends list it gives me a fucking panic attack because i get paranoid and upset wondering which ones are about me...Hate hate HATE.

The only reason im doing this myself is because i need to vent...have needed to for MONTHS and im a fucking coward....that and i didnt want to be the one to start a chain of these memes through my friends list because i cant STAND reading the ones from other people.

1. List some things you want to say to 20 or 25 people.
2. Don't say who the people are.
3. Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
4. Never speak of it again.

~~

1. out of all the people i know, i look up to you the most.

2. I liked you better before. Not now.

3. Sometimes my seething jealousy towards you makes me want to just spoon my brain out with a spork..and then shake you.

4. you're gone. you're here but you arent back.... and i dont think you're ever coming back the way i want you to. it still makes me cry..and its still the most devestating thing thats ever happened to me. you're not what you used to be..not at all...

5. sometimes you scare me and i have to be very careful what i say

6. sometimes i wonder if you ever cared at all...and i wonder why i was ever a part of your life since you never EVER tried.

7. you make me feel nothing but guilt anger and shame and depression. I wish i could get along with you the way i did when i was a kid.

8. you can be very two faced. i trust you more than anyone else, but you also make me question my trust in you more than anyone else. because ive seen what you can do to other people..i dont see why id be an exception to that.

9. i feel sorry for you sometimes, and think about you a lot..i just dont know you well enough to go poke and/or check on you by myself

10. you make me nervous. i like you a lot, but i know we'd never get along in person for very long. and im still proud that i can be friends with someone as fucking cool as you

11. i dont love you anymore. i care about you, yes....but the love has faded and it takes little to nothing to make me regret every ounce of effort i made towards you...you make me feel like a fool.

12. i dont believe you'll ever change. thats nice that you're making the effort now that im gone and ignoring you...why couldnt you have done that when i was a kid? was i not important enough to you then?...not now either, huh?

13. sometimes i try to parent you out of habit..because sometimes you act like a baby and it frustrates me to no end.

14. i dont like watching you make such a big mess out of everything...id help if i wasnt so afraid that you'd turn on me

15. shy people suck twice the energy out of me because i have to be so careful...dispite that i think you're hillarious and clever and i want to hang out with you more

16. some days i dont think you realize how much you help me by just paying a LITTLE BIT of attention to me. other days i think you just dont do it out of spite...and it hurts.

17. you've said before that you would promise not to forget me sitting here all by myself when it comes time for hang out day with the friends. im still forgotten..i smile and nod..but i dont belive you anymore. thanks for remembering when you WERENT distracted by having fun though....i'll wait.

18. MY group of friends includes all of you. YOUR group of friends includes everyone BUT me. Sometimes i regret putting ALL of you so high up on my list of prorities when its obviously not a two way street. it makes me feel really STUPID..on top of angry and sad and lonely out of my mother fucking MIND...


*sigh* ...i dont feel any better...

so i got my hair cut and highlighted today.

Its cute but its really super short. I look like a dyke....from the 90's...>_>

I also went to the doctor and had the gauze pads that were sewn on removed. Gotta go back next week and have the rest of the ordeal finished....because some stuff was glued to my skin and the only way to get it off is to pull like a mad monkey..so no. Next week.

The nurse and I also got to talking about dolls...and of course teh resin lovelies were brought into it. She demanded I bring one with me next week...so..Dakota's going to the boob doctor with me. Why him? because he's got the most done by me. Clothes, eyelashes, jewelry, face etc...and it would be an all in one 'show-off' package with him...

My mom has a job interview tomorrow. If they pay her what she needs, and they offer benifits then she'll go through with it..otherwise its not gunna be worth her time or effort so she's gunna pass it up..I hope that this will work. Hope and pray. She needs it to work. The pet hospital isnt doing anything for her...Litterally.

Ive had a really short temper with people lately and on some small level..I just really dont give a shit. Some people need to just pull their thumbs out of their asses..and others need to just shut the hell up...others are just plain annoying.

Ive appologized where its neccesary..but otherwise i just dont really care..People all over the place have just been sawing away at my nerves and im tired of just sitting on my frustration and how people piss me off about things..

Im just in a cranky assed piss poor mood lately...rarely has anyone caught me in a conversation recently and NOT caused me to snap for some un known reason. I dunno what my problem is...

oh well..when its over its over i guess.

....I left ONE yard of sewing fabric out yesterday..and had it sitting on a shelf away from the cats....And when I came home from the doctor's today BOTH of my cats had climbed onto the dresser and were blobbed on top of the fabric.

...Brats...